It has been a long deep sentiment that I hold, that no one prepares you to be a mum and and no one has the right to decide that journey for you...
The other day I saw a cute T-shirt that read….
“No one prepares you for the transition from Ma-ma to, Mommy to Mom to Bruh ”
I had a chuckle at the honest simplicity of the words. After recently writing a tribute to my own mother on her 77th birthday, I’m sharing my perspective of this sacred responsibility that women are designed to bear, the journey of motherhood. No experience is the same, it comes in different ways for different women. Some choose not to go on the journey, others would love to go on the journey but it is not physically possible. Luckily with the advancement of humanity, where it is not physically possible for some women there are other ways in which this journey can be taken. When it is physically possible, to embark on the journey there are many different paths to take and all these paths are personal and come with different choices and experiences because no two women are the same, the dynamics of different couples are not the same and not all children are the same.
When I started the journey of motherhood it was important for me to be able to define my own path. It wasn’t a straightforward path. I bore the physical and emotional pain of two miscarriages. At some point my husband and I started exploring the possibility of IVF treatment and then suddenly when the time was just right our first little miracle Sofia happened and later we were blessed with miracle number two, Miguel.
I took the responsibility of having the honour of carrying, birthing and then going on to be the first and primary reference during early life of another human being very seriously. So seriously that it took me 28 hours of labour, lots of meditating and screaming, squeezing my husbands hand, asking him a question then immediately telling him not to answer it...before our first baba made her appearance.
All I wanted was to own my journey, own the choices that I make and feel empowered in what I believed was choosing the best for my family. As a woman I knew that for me to be able to guide and nurture another human being, I had to be sure of myself, of who I am and what value I could add to another little human beings existence.
By no means has my family been a result of only my efforts. My husband has always been by my side and he plays a crucial part in this journey but my focus today is the perspective of motherhood.
I’m not a very active ‘online person’ and those who know me closely have a laugh with me about this. The truth is that for me personally, between just living my daily life, being in the moment and trying to be fully present in what I am doing, I just don’t have the time. When I have a spare minute I do venture into the online world (sidewink).
Sometimes it breaks my heart to see when a mum feels judged or minimized online because instead of building up it breaks down. There’s even a name for it, I think its “mama shaming or mama haters”. I think it’s just ridiculous, that as a society we have allowed this behavior to even become a topic of conversation and give it a name.
I see that when people share story’s, they feel the need to either assert or defend their choices. To absolute strangers most of the time and then comes the vicious circle of mums comparing their reality to others who may be perceived online to “have it all together” or have the “perfect kids and the perfect life”. Surely this is not what motherhood, sisterhood and sharing to build each other up has become.
So the question I have is, if the journey of motherhood is such a personal one, one which no one really prepares you for, how can we blindly entertain a notion of, what works for one mum could work for another and why on earth do we give away so much of our God given maternal power to other people, to google, technology…the list goes on. Don’t get me wrong, I am not by any means suggesting that this is a journey to be taken solo…because I know, it takes a village to raise a child.
What I am saying is, as mums we should turn the focus inwards and stay true to ourselves, to our own realities and abilities. Create our own villages that will be our source of strength, laughter, hope, chilling, exchanging, what ever… Turn the focus to a place of being built up in times when we may be feeling defeated or broken down…and if that place maybe online, then good for you. If it’s not then get a move on….
On my own journey I have had many many many moments of tears, feeling like a failure, questioning but I have also had many moments of looking inwards and rejoicing, tons of moments of laughter, milestones and growing and also many moments of turning to my own village…where my husband is my Chief Partner in Command and my baby sister is my Chief Advisor in Command.
I hope by writing this piece, I will encourage all mums to invest in their own well-being (whatever that means for you) so you can be the best version of yourself for the little people who look up to you.